How many times in our lives have we wished for free time: just a few minutes to relax, an hour of peace a quiet, a chance to rest our feet and simply watch the time pass? For years, I have wished I could put my life “on hold”, move to a shack in the woods, and read all the classic novels I could get my hands on. There have been times when I have been too busy to exercise, too busy to practice yoga and meditation, too busy to cook wholesome food, too busy to contemplate life’s toughest questions, too preoccupied to notice the changing seasons. So many times in my life I have wished for my obligations to disappear, for time to slow down. Now, my obligations have been whittled down to one weekly meeting and one or two weekly English classes, but I can’t figure out how to spend my time, how to be a “productive” citizen, how to fulfill my duty as a Fulbright ETA, how to be content.
I am in Brazil. I am in Brazil! It is still surprising to think about why I am occupying this space, what put me here. This place is beautiful. The beach is at my doorstep. If I wanted to, I could go to the beach everyday, contemplate the ocean, drink agua de coco, get a golden tan, and flirt with decent-looking surfers. Or I could go to the jungle, see creatures I would never have had the opportunity to see in the States, walk for miles through the thick, lush green, and be eaten alive by mosquitoes, without the knowledge of any human. Really, I have the opportunity to see incredible things here, talk to friendly Bahianos- I am in Brazil!
Yet, everyday is a constant struggle to be deliberate. When I wake up and have no obligations, the world is wide open, and I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I can’t leave Ilhéus because we are trying to continue classes during the strike, but the classes are unsuccessful for a number of reasons (i.e. students are reluctant to commute to the university just for one class, they are traveling, they are apathetic, etc.). Because of the situation, I cannot do what I came here to do. I am stuck waiting for the strike to end, yet hesitant to start something new in case the strike is resolved; trapped in a space of unknowing.
Reflecting on my current state has a reminded me of my struggles during the two months leading up to the start of my Fulbright grant. I graduated from college in December and lived the following two months in limbo, essentially waiting for my Fulbright to start. I still wasn’t entirely sure that I had completed my time at Grinnell, didn’t know how to prepare for Brazil, and wasn’t sure how to be temporarily unemployed. After a lifetime of formal schooling, I was overwhelmed with the newly found lack of structure and the amount of possibilities. I could practice yoga for hours everyday, AND read, AND study Portuguese, AND cook a bunch of great food, AND practice banjo, AND shoot the shit with friends- I could do all of the things I enjoy- in any order I wanted to! But did I do those things? Did I complete all the “tasks” I set in front of myself? Unfortunately not…
I refuse to spend my time here waiting for something to happen. I want to wake up each morning, excited to greet the day, happy to see the sun, rain, and clouds outside my window. I want my senses, mind, and emotions to be stimulated. I want my actions and thoughts to be deliberate. I want to live in the present and let each day unfold before me. When I lay my head down to sleep, I want to be exhausted, content, and awake.
We will never be content if we are longing for something that is not the present. We will never be satisfied with our current state if we are always thinking about “what ifs…?”.
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